Chapter 3 - Gay Clubs, Men, and Liquor

Chapter 3

Gay Clubs, Men, and Liquor

In September 2001, my alcoholic drinking escalated to the very extreme, drowning myself in a sea of alcohol almost every night, especially on weekends; and then suffering from dreadful hangovers the next day. Nevertheless it continued to be a very controlling force in my life. In January 2002, I jumped with my eyes-wide-open right back into the pit of homosexuality. Hearing a lot about a gay club in Nassau located in the Cable Beach area, the curiosity of this wild over-the-edge way of life, turned into an experience for me ; having never visited a gay club before; not knowing what it was like or what it was all about. My first introduction to this club was at 12:30 am in the morning. There was a security guard at the door who ran a handheld metal detector up and down my body to see if I had anything harmful on me before he allowed me to gain access into the building. Upon entering the door, I encountered a dimly lit room with loud music and strobe lights flashing all around the dance floor area.  The number of people in the club varied at different times.

The visits to Nassau became often, where I would frequently visit this club, not returning back to my hotel room until sometimes at 4:00 am in the morning. It seemed that I was involved in one gay relationship after the next, which ended up with my heart getting broken every time the relationship ended. My emotions were on a very dangerous roller-coaster ride. When this gay club shut down, another one opened up, and so on, and so on. Also visiting a few straight clubs, I danced my way into a drunken and crazy nightmare. It was wild and I loved it! The clubs, the parties, the alcohol, the men; all constituted the dangerous wild side of a gay lifestyle.

In December 2004, this culminated with me having sex with four different men in one day, although not all at the same time. Sex with two of them was unprotected. Being blinded by sexual lust, I was not aware of the transactions that I was conducting in my body; and also not realizing the consequences that would be reaped as a result of this. Having unprotected sex was irresponsible and careless, not to mention having it with four guys in one day. With this situation came a lot of guilt. My self-esteem was exceedingly low and I felt very much unloved, turning to sex for affection and comfort. If I was trying to make myself feel good in some way, this certainly was not the way to do it.